Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Losing my Mom, The First Step Part 2

For those of you that have not read part 1 it is Losing my Mother, The First Step. I left off with me entering the room that my father, brothers and sister were in. No one was in with my mom and that infuriated me. She does not like being alone in the ER. As do I. I understand that quite well.

A very simple, compassionate women explains to me that we can see my mother as soon as the Doctor speaks to us. Whew, my instincts were wrong we weren't all directed to this room for some terrible news like my mom had to have surgery or went blind or any other wild thing my mind could fathom. The Doctor once again begins to speak. She is talking about my mother having to be brought back by the paramedics, those wonderful saints, a few times but Thank God she is still here with us because I need her, so much. She is on life support, so what? I too, have been on life support and flown out by helicopter even but I am still here. She asks my father "sir, do you want her on the machine?" Hell yes he does, what was she thinking!!! Then my dad replies "she said she doesn't want machines, she was a nurse in ICU and seen too much." At this point I am freaking out - "Dad, what the hell is wrong with you? She meant if she were a vegetable. We talked about it. I was on the MACHINE and I am fine now. Look at me, Look at me"! Soon we were allowed one at a time to see her. It was the worst. All I could say was "she's so cold, she hates being cold."

The next day they performed a brain activity test and found no activity for quite a while. I knew what this meant but I couldn't accept that the mother I loved so much, that was walking, talking, laughing just the day before was here physically but only because of the machines! That day at 5:00 pm the doctor with my father's permission took the machines away so her body could rest and her soul go to heaven. I'm just now beginning to go through the stage of thinking now and then that she isn't on vacation, she isn't in the hospital she is gone. My dear beloved mother has gone... And the tears roll on!

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