Monday, April 20, 2015

Dad Chose to have Radiation Treatments

With my father's cancer being terminal - (terminal what a word).  It means something so much different when it is your own loved one verses hearing it on the news or T.V.  He is not a good candidate for chemotherapy and I would not want him to go through something so horrid for his remaining time anyway.  Remaining time - every time I type one of these words or phrases I feel like I should be reporting medical news, it does not fit in my personal vocabulary.  I am very uncomfortable with these words pertaining to my own father, the man I love the most in the world.  I feel like I am going to cry but I'm sick and tired of crying.  I need to let this out but unfortunately these feelings, they don't get out.  They go nowhere, they stay dwelling deep inside me like some flesh scarring toxin.

He opted for radiation treatments.  He has been having them for a little over a week and so far they have not been bothering him at all.  I'm very angry with this entire process.  He has to have treatments to prolong his life because of a disease that shouldn't even be.  Why?  Where do these awful life changing diseases come from?  Why are they?  If Satan is the answer, he sure has found a way to drag the worst feelings out of people.  Millions of people are effected by diseases every day, why?  Why my father?  I just want to throw a huge temper-tantrum and scream NOT MY DAD!!! Not mine he's the only one I have ...  Although this is the truth with every person that loses a father, why do I feel different?  Because this is me, my feelings, my father and my family that is so hurt.   I feel like someone took the world that is my family, turned it upside down, shook it then rolled it down a never ending hill.  For today, like so many others this is exactly how I feel.

Have you gone through the hell of knowing someone you love is slowing fading away from you forever? If yes, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

My Dad and my Brother

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