Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The Cause of my Nightmares

Some of you have heard me complain because the majority of people and companies run on day time and I unfortunately am a night person. My perfect hours for sleep would be 4am until 12, 1 o'clock in the afternoon. In the blogging world, one could sleep these hours. They wouldn't be the ideal hours but it could work. This past month though has me wondering if any time is a good time for sleep.

Most of you know I lost my mother two years ago this June. It was the night before her 54th wedding anniversary, plugs were pulled the day after. While it might seem to some of you that she lived a long time, had a good lasting marriage, four children, nine grandchildren and five great grandchildren she had lived her life. Grief isn't about those who pass away, it is about those who survive. I shut down and would not allow myself to think about her because it hurt. I didn't allow anyone to speak of her in my presents, I kindly said I wasn't ready. I managed to get through it by not going through it around, over, under, beside yes, not through her death. I am just now saying death for goodness sake, I did a good job. Well as some know last month my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given six months. What??? Six months and I'm losing my father also. I hadn't gotten over my mother yet. It was like someone shot me then just left me there standing. I am having a really hard time coming to grips with this. Not my father, heaven no, not mine.

About two weeks ago I started having weird dreams and nightmares. Out of nowhere, I hadn't been watching crime shows or horror movies, they just started. Obviously everyone would rather not have nightmares. I am so with the majority. When I wake up with one of those I have to turn on all the lights, call my dog (I guess for security) and find something anything to do to get my mind on something good. Since I obviously can't call someone in the wee early hours of the morning or if there is school and work so I usually turn to facebook and scroll like a wild person to find someone, anyone on that I can converse with. If there isn't anyone I know well enough I scroll and read other people's meme's. Hopefully there will be light heart-ed ones. I haven't gotten any where near accepting the facts as they are. I think between the two something is festering and causing the nightmares. The inside of my chest hurts in the morning like the nightmare was actually there burning in my insides. My only defense is to pray, thank the lord for helping me to believe!

Have you gone through loss? Did you have symptoms? Am I normal? Wait, don't answer that. Lol


  1. I'd say it's perfectly normal. Everyone grieves in their own way.
    I lost both of my parents to cancer (mom was 48, my dad was 50). They died 12 days apart. This was 25 years ago. I was 27 years old, with 3 kids who now didn't have any grandparents.

    I was "fine" for over a year. I was the rock. Then...I crashed. Serious depression and anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, panic attacks. It took me a long time to finally grieve.
    There are still some tough days, especially holidays.

  2. Thank-You for sharing, Pippirose!

  3. I agree with Pippirose. Everyone grieves in their own pay. After my Mom passed away 15 years ago (I had lost my Dad 5 years previously), I externally stayed strong for my husband and kids but looking back, I have no memory of that year. It will get better as time does slowly heal. I, as well as I'm sure many of your readers, will say a prayer for you.